Professional Update/Upcoming Comedy Performances

Dear All,
 
My apologies in advance to anyone who has already seen this on Facebook or elsewhere. But once again, I would love a little help spreading the word about my upcoming performances.
 
I) Executive Summary: What I'm Up To
 
- Polishing a novel, The Loneliest Planet, which I've been writing for the last six years. The manuscript will go to agents and publishers in early 2015 (I swear!)
 
- Lecturing about online marketing for writers at colleges and adult education centers around Boston.
 
- My one-man show, The Chronic Single's Handbook, will be featured at theater festivals in Orlando, FL; Atlanta; and Edinburgh, Scotland; this spring and summer.
 
 
II) Pleading and Groveling
 
Can you help me get the word out about my upcoming shows?
 
- Mention to people you know who might go, post on Twitter, Facebook, etc. (Sample Tweets and links below. Also, I inserted my online flyer and link at the end of this note.)
 
- I'm happy to reciprocate and share your events or news on Twitter, Facebook, etc.
 
Sample Tweet:

A friend performs his show Chronic Single's Handbook: FL (5/14-24) Atlanta (6/5-8) Edinburgh (8/1-16) Go or RT http://www.chronicsingle.com/2014/04/the-chronic-singles-handbook-shows-for.html
 
Sample Facebook Post:
 
A friend will perform his one-man comedy play, The Chronic Single's Handbook, in Orlando, FL (5/14-24) Atlanta (6/5-8) Edinburgh, Scotland (8/1-16). The play is about a never-married guy who takes a trip around the world looking for the woman of his dreams. Please go or share. http://www.chronicsingle.com/2014/04/the-chronic-singles-handbook-shows-for.html
 
III) More Detail Than You Want
 
1) Here are some links to youtubes of me performing two scenes from a December performance in Boston. For the upcoming theater festivals, I'll have props but no mic, which means I'll be able to move around the stage.
 
- Opening scene:
"Chronically single? You've got lots of company"
Content warning for adults situations, black tongues, sadistic medical professionals.
http://youtu.be/zuzpRPWGg_c

- "One Day in Thailand"
Lady boys, tuk-tuk scammers, and the day I was almost gay.
http://youtu.be/p8AF_xhXctg

 
IV) Online flyer for the show
 
The link: http://www.chronicsingle.com/2014/04/the-chronic-singles-handbook-shows-for.html
 
The actual flyer:

"The Chronic Single's Handbook": Shows for 2014

The Chronic Single's Handbook: One man's global search for love

A solo performance inspired by actual events  
featuring Randy Ross 
 


 
Exotic Locales

Pepto-Bismol

A body-spa named The Curious Finger.



Early praise for The Chronic Single's Handbook:
 
"Hysterical, side-splitting, profound, a tour-de-force of droll insight. One of the year's best."
-- Randy Ross, writer/performer, The Chronic Single's Handbook
 
"The balance on your credit card is overdue. Please remit immediately."
-- Bank of West Boston



Upcoming Shows (all shows last one hour)

1) May 14-24 Orlando International Fringe theater festival

Dates/times
- Wed, May 14 (11:30 pm)
- Fri, May 16 (9:00 pm)
- Sat, May 17 (4:20 pm)
- Wed, May 21 (10:30 pm)
- Sat, May 24 (3:15 pm)

Location
Red Venue, Lowndes Shakespeare Center
812 E Rollins
Orlando, FL 32803
Directions

Tickets, more information.
- Cost: $12, plus one-time $9 fee for a festival entry button, which is required to see any show at the festival (sorry).

Sample show program


2) June 5-8 Atlanta Fringe theater festival


Dates/times
- Thurs, June 5 (8:00 pm)
- Fri, June 6 (11:00 pm)
- Sat, June 7, two shows (5:00 pm and 9:30 pm)
- Sun, June 8, (2:00 pm)

Location
Highland Inn Ballroom Lounge
644 N. Highland Ave.
Atlanta, GA 30306
Directions

Tickets, more information 
(tickets and prices available in May (should be $10 to $15. In addition to tickets, you will need to buy at $3 festival entry button.)

Sample show program

3) August 1-16 Edinburgh Festival Fringe theater festival

Dates/times (all shows start at 7:05 pm or 19:05 using local 24-hour time)
- Mon-Sat, Aug 4-9
- Mon-Sat, Aug 11-16

Location
theSpace @ Surgeon's Hall
Nicholson Street, EH8 9DW
Edinburgh, Scotland
Directions


Tickets, more information 
(tickets are 8 British Pounds, or about $12; there may be other fees)

Sample show program


4) Boston-Area Appearances

Dates/times
- May 1, with Judah Leblang at Somerville Public Library (details)
- Events calendar with more listings.



5) Watch Videos Excerpts from Recent Performances

 - Opening scene: "Chronically single? You've got lots of company"
Content warning for adults situations, black tongues, sadistic medical professionals.

- "The Day I Was Almost Gay"
Content warning for prescription drug abuse, gooey sunburns, and men kissing on the lips.
 


Thanks again!

--rr

5 Great Writing Books You Never Heard of

 

These five books address a variety of writing problems ranging from pokey plots to porky prose. I found them useful for both fiction and non-fiction writing. All five books were available at my local library.

Save the Cat: The Only Book on Screenwriting You'll Ever Need 

by Blake Snyder

This book is not just for screenwriters -- It is a short and simple book on plot. Period. Great for fiction and creative non-fiction. I used it juice up several problem chapters in my novel in progress.

The Hero Within: Six Archetypes We Live by

by Carol Pearson

Useful for thinking about and developing characters in your fiction. I found it easier to digest than Joseph Campbell's classic The Hero with a Thousand Faces. If you're into Jungian psychology, it's an interesting read.

Self-Editing for Fiction Writers: How to Edit Yourself Into Print

by Renni Brown and David King

Easy read, entertaining, lots of useful information on revising your work -- by yourself. Includes sections on dialog, scenes, and showing versus telling.

A Dash of Style: The Art and Mastery of Punctuation 

by Noah Lukeman

A grammar book written specifically for creative writers. Great passages on commas, sentence length, paragraphs, and section breaks.

Several Short Sentences about Writing

by Verlyn Klinkenborg

Short tips to tighten your writing.

More Resources for Writers 

Don't Give Up! Inspirational Books, Blogs for Writers

Book Marketing and Publishing: Best Web Sites and Blogs

The Online Date that Went a Little too Well
(youtube of me reading a novel excerpt at a local venue: politically-incorrect, no redeeming value.)

Art credit: Hand image at top of blog by gnuckx (Flickr: Roma Italy - Creative Commons by gnuckx) [Public domain or CC-BY-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

 

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How to Keep Going: Inspiration for Writers

With all the bad news about publishing, writing, the economy, the Boston Red Sox, the New York Giants -- how do you keep going? Here's some inspiration that covers writing, the creative process, and motivation. Warning to atheists: Many of these writings describe creativity using terms such as channeling, higher power, and the gods.

Books

I borrowed most of the following books from my local library. If you're low on cash, you can, too. Many are pretty short. Some of the longer ones are quick reads because they're hard to put down. And one wasn't worth finishing but I enjoyed the first two thirds.

"The Writing Life" by Annie Dillard
All about the process, the frustrations, the blind alleys, cutting your favorite passages, writing for days and coming up with only a few useable sentences -- and then having to toss them. 
Read the first two pages here.

"The Creative Habit: Learn It and Use It for Life" by Twyla Tharp
Though Tharp is famous as a dance choreographer, she offers practical advice on how to get the muse going: routine, routine, routine.

"Do the Work" and "The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield
I read them both and liked the former better. My personal favorite is a passage called "Start Before Your Ready." In other words, don't waste a lot of time researching and preparing -- make sure the pool is deep enough, and then jump in head first. Read a passage on this Amazon link. (Note to readers in Acton, Mass.: I borrowed the book several months ago, lost it, and now have to pay the library $13. There are still a few other copies available.)

"On Writing" by Stephen King
The beginning offers some interesting bio information on how he King got started and his struggles. He's another guy who wrote and wrote, until he got a break. The middle third offered some useful tips. The last third of the book is a memoir about his motorcycle accident; it bored me and I didn't finish it.

Web Sites and Links

Free and just a click away. To read, the New York Times article, "How to Write," you may have to register. Sorry.

"If at First You Don't Succeed, You're in Excellent Company"
This Wall Street Journal article trots out a lot of the usual suspects -- Michael Jordan, Dr. Seuss, Julie Andrews, Winston Churchill -- but I found it moving and cut it out to hang near my desk. (Yes, I'm a corny, sentimental guy.)

"10 Things Your Commencement Speaker Won't Tell You"
A book excerpt published in the Wall Street Journal. Some great, quirky advice. My personal favorite:
"Read obituaries. They are just like biographies, only shorter. They remind us that interesting, successful people rarely lead orderly, linear lives."

"How to Write"
Eleven rules from writer Colson Whitehead. Not that useful but an amusing read. My personal favorite rule: "Have adventures.... Get out and see the world. It’s not going to kill you to butch it up a tad. Book passage on a tramp steamer. Rustle up some dysentery; it’s worth it for the fever dreams alone. Lose a kidney in a knife fight. You’ll be glad you did."

Brain Pickings
This Web site includes a slew of motivational articles and images for writers, artists, and anyone else who needs go out and kick some ass. My recent favorite: The Holstee Manifesto
Here's a quote for us single people gutting it out through the holidays: "If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.”

Jonesing for Some Book Marketing?  

 

- Book Marketing for Nitwits: Getting Started with SEO

- Easy, Sleazy Book Marketing Results 

-Tips for Reading Your Writing in Public

Had Enough Book Marketing?

 

 - Ski Trip to British Columbia: Local potheads, make mine a double, and who said Canadians are nice?

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Art attribution for liquid courage image:  By Dirk Van Esbroeck (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Tips for Reading Your Writing in Public

Though my book isn't finished, I've read excerpts from it more than fifty times at venues in Boston, New York, and once while on a ski vacation in Revelstoke, Canada. I've also received instruction from a friend who is a professional performer.

At this story slam, I was terrified. I was there to video-tape a friend and wasn't expecting to perform. (Despite my jerky performance -- note the left hand flopping around-- I won.) Worth noting: I face different directions depending on which character is talking, and each character has a different accent and cadence. All things described below.

The Tips:

1) Choose Short, Complete Scenes that Stand Alone (This can work for fiction, non-fiction, and memoir)

A complete scene is like a miniature story: there's a beginning, middle, and an end. There's narrative tension, conflict, and some kind of resolution. If the scene has some dialog, all the better.

Ideally, you want to rewrite the scene for a reading so that any background is woven into the story. Nothing is more boring or tedious than listening to an author provide a laundry list of characters and background material before he starts to read.

2) Did I Mention: Keep Each Piece Short?

In my experience, seven minutes for a piece is probably the maximum. An ideal length is five minutes. An even better length is three minutes.

If you're doing multiple pieces, mix in pieces of different lengths.

Another reason for shorter pieces:
- At a poetry slam or a poetry open mic, you can read anything you want -- including pieces that are not poetry -- as long as the piece is under three minutes. If anyone asks, you're doing a "narrative poem." You don't need to win the slam, you just have to get up on stage and read your piece.
- At many story slams, your piece has to be less than five minutes in length. If you're over the time limit, you'll be penalized. Too far over and they may yank you off the stage.


3) Dialog

Attributions: Move them to the beginning of the sentence; this makes it clear for the listener who is speaking.

Better yet, use a different voice or accent or cadence for each character. For internal dialog or a character's thoughts, talk in a softer voice. Starting every sentence with "he said" or "she said" gets boring, fast.

Try a physical gesture to differentiate a character. If a character has a beard, scratch it when he's talking.

Also, the narrator should always face the same direction, while other characters can face the opposite direction. In my pieces, I turn my head to the left for the narrator and to the right for other characters.

Some easy voices options:
- quick and nervous for neurotic characters
- slow for confident for braggarts
- a Spanish accent
- a Russian accent
- a Southern accent
- a flirty woman's voice
- a deep man's voice for an authority figure

You also may want to avoid scenes with too many characters. Three characters in one scene is the most I've been able to pull off.

4) Rewriting a Piece for a Reading

- Simplify: Unless you're writing poetry -- which we aren't -- simplify or cut descriptions of scenery and people unless they're really memorable. The scene should focus on action. Instead of using three words to describe something use two. Instead of "a giant, three-headed snake," say, "a three-headed snake." Instead of "white, crusty stains," say, "crusty stains." (In the videos above and below, I used the three-word versions of these phrases, which I have since cut to two.)

 - Remind: If you have a detail or character mentioned early that returns later in the story, emphasize the detail on first mention and then remind readers when it appears later-- don't assume they'll remember something from three minutes. As a listener, you have less time to absorb the story.

5) Other Stuff to Remember

- If you're reading of a printed page, print out the text in a large font. (I use 18 point). If will make it easier for you to look up at the audience without losing your place.
- Mark in pencil on the page, when you're supposed to make certain gestures.
- Pause after jokes, or key lines, let them land, let people laugh. But start reading before the laughter has completely subsided. If no one laughs, take it like a man and keep going.
- Practice at open mic events, where nothing is at stake.
- Memorize a short piece or two -- you'll stand out from the other readers.

- Record video at one of your readings and post individual stories on Youtube or your Web site. (Useful when you're pitching yourself -- you can direct organizations to a recorded performance.)
- Stage fright: Yes, you will have it. Sometimes the day of a big performance, I develop flu-like symptoms, including aches, pains, a sore throat, nausea. I wonder why I'm doing this to myself, again. But once I start performing, it all disappears.
- You will bomb occasionally. An audience will be small, too politically correct, too politically incorrect. (I've read pieces to an audience one week who loved and the same piece to an indifferent audience the next. That's show biz.)

This piece went over well at the this Cambridge story slam, but bombed in front of a younger audience who found the title, "The Day I Almost Became Gay" offensive. (Before performing the piece for the first time, I ran it by a gay friend who said it was fine. Did I mention that's show biz?)

6) Where to Find Venues at Which to Read

- Open Mikes.Org
- Poets.org
- Google: "Story Slams." Most big cities offer them.
- Walk into a small bookstore and offer to read. If person you're addressing is behind a computer, direct them to your Web site -- you did post a video of you reading at an open mic, right?
- Other venues: public libraries (they often pay), adult education centers (they also pay), art festivals, folk music open mics (they often allow a story-teller to tell a short story. You are a story-teller, right?)

For More Tips for Writers, See

- Easy, Sleazy Book Marketing Tips
Change you traffic measuring tool, join a Facebook Like-fest, and if anyone asks: "But officer, everyone else is doing it."
- Query Letter Confusion
When one agent says A and another says B  and a third says ... How I dealt with the situation and what I learned. Includes links to sample query letters. Oy.

Free Ebook for Signing Up for This Blog

- The Ebook is a collection of short stories, off-color humor pieces, and excerpts from my novel in progress, "The Loneliest Planet: A Handbook for the Chronically Single."

Enter your email address:

- The ebook is a pdf and available by clicking here 
(I trust you) 

Part II: Is Online Book Marketing a Waste of Time?

My initial online book marketing post generated a lot of comments from the real experts: authors who are marketing books as opposed to experts who are marketing themselves.

The comments were pretty evenly split on whether it's a waste of time. My favorite quote came from U.K. author Jim Murdock:

"Traditional marketing techniques don’t work very well online. Being a decent bloke who takes a genuine interest in other people and isn’t always selling at them does … but not quickly."

The upshot: If blogging and social media are going to sell books, it will take some time -- yours.

 Here's a quick summary of what other folks had to say and their recommendations:

1) Yes, online book marketing is a waste of time.

- Reaching a few influential people is more important than reaching thousands of nobodies. Similarly, it's better to focus on reaching potential reviewers at newspapers, mags, Amazon, etc.

- The more time you spend with online book marketing, the more books you'll sell. But it's a huge time suck. One author said he limits social media to an hour a day after work and blogs only once a week.

- Several people said they hated Twitter and found it useless. Others used an auto posting tool like Hootsuite to minimize their Twitter time. Another said you need about 2,000 followers to make an impact.

- Several people said they hated Facebook Fan Pages because Facebook only shows your posts to less than 15 percent of your fans. (You have to pay to reach them all.) Here's my take on Facebook and it's new policies.

- Another author asked: Realistically, how much time do you spend readings posts on Facebook, Linked In, and Twitter? Probably not much, and that probably goes for everyone else.

2) No, online book marketing is not a waste.

- A recent self-publishing success story relied on online book marketing. According to the author, the book, Evertaster, was an Amazon bestseller in one day. The author said he achieved that goal by enlisting friends who tweeted, blogged, Facebooked, and e-mailed. (His book is now ranked #4,774) Also, he says he "amassed upwards of 2,250 fans," which is not a huge number. (I have that many and I'm a nobody.) 

- Publishers will ask about your platform.

- One author ditched Twitter in favor of the new social media site Pinterest.

- Social media is great for staying in touch with your audience, but nearly useless for building an audience.

- For every person who says something doesn't work, there's someone else who disagrees. The big problem is that everything takes time: time to post and time before you see results. 

- One author got a traffic spike whenever he bought online ads, but traffic dropped soon after. Another author suggested this author post regularly to Facebook and Twitter to increase followers and deepen connection with them so they come back.

3)  My personal take:

I've only been pushing the online book marketing and platform building for two months. I need to give it more time, but use my time more wisely -- avoid the time suck. Two solutions for people like me with no self-control:

- For serious writing, go somewhere where there's no Internet.

- Try an inexpensive program, like Freedom, that prevents your computer from accessing the Internet for a period of time.

*Special thanks to folks in Linked In groups, such as Books and Writers, Fiction Writers Guild, Novelspot, and Goodreads' Author/Readers forum

**If you like my posts, feel free to subscribe by email or follow using the options in the right hand column. Thanks!

Facebook Fan Pages: Does it Matter When You Post?

If you're a writer with a Facebook Fan Page, you're basically running a business and trying to increase your pool of potential customers (Likes) and drive as many as possible to your blog, Web site, or Amazon page. A key to driving them to you sites is "engaging" them -- getting them to read and comment on your posts -- by posting the right content at the right time.  A recent article on Mashable Business discussed Facebook fan pages and offered engagement advice for large businesses. Does this advice work for authors?

Below is a sampling of their recommendations for best times to post followed by what my experience has been.

I) The Experts Findings (again, these are based on large companies)

- Days and times of week: 
Facebook fans typically were most active at three times of day: before work (7 a.m. EST), after work (5 p.m.) and late night (11 p.m.). Weekends were best for large media and entertainment companies. (My assumption: Writers and authors are a small media and entertainment companies.)

- Frequency:
Another article recommended you start out posting once or twice a week and posting more than once a day can be overkill.

 *Good tip from Mashable: When posting a link, use the entire url, instead of a cryptic, shortened url that way people can see that the link is legit and where it's taking them.

II) My Findings

As a writer, I generally post four types of content:

1) Personal progress reports, including:
- publication updates on the fate of my short stories, nonfiction pieces, and interactions with agents.
- public readings and performances.

2) Links to publishing industry news and tips for writers.

3) Original pieces:
- Publishing and book promotion tips, like this piece.
- New original stories and essays on my blog

4) Occasional weird stuff just for fun
- R. Crumb video (did poorly)

- Old person joke (did well)
- Song: "It's Great to Be a Dickhead" (did well)
- Song: "The Motorcyle/Pickle" song from Arlo Gutherie. (did poorly)

I also post at all hours of weekdays and weekends, including 2 a.m. on some Saturday nights.

To analyze which posts and times generated the most engagement, I examined the Reach of various posts listed in the Insight statistics for my page. (click image to enlarge)

My findings:
It didn't seem to matter what time or what day I posted. I posted to Facebook before, during, and after work hours. I posted at 1:00 a.m. on Saturday and Sunday mornings (Yes, I have no life.). I posted stories from the various types of stories listed above: Sometimes they did well, sometimes they tanked. Typically, I only posted once a day, but a couple of days I posted twice -- and both stories did equally well.

My take-away: Regular posting seems to be working because my Likes and Reach keep going increasing. (I now have 2,006 Likes and typically add about 10 a week.)

Notes:

- Explanations: Fans could be checking my posts whenever is convenient for them. I also have a large number of Fans on the West coast.

- My Facebook Author Page is not a huge source of traffic to my Blog and Website. Posting links to Facebook Groups and Linked In Groups drives a lot more traffic.

- I consider my Page to be another channel -- almost like a private radio station/TV channel to reach those people who prefer to spend time on Facebook. Will this lead to more sales? I don't know.

- Regarding Reach: My Reach numbers are always a subset of my Likes. Facebook purposely restricts the number of people you can reach with your posts. (I typically reach 10 to 20 percent of my Likes.) To reach them all, costs money. For more on this, including a possible fix that really isn't a fix, see "FB fans aren’t seeing your posts."

- To determine my best posts/days/and times, I sorted my Reach numbers in Facebook Insights from highest to lowest, exported them to Excel, and then resorted them by date and time posted.(I'm sure there's an easier way, but this worked for me.)

If you found this article useful, please share the link, post on Twitter or Facebook, or subscribe to this blog. Thanks!

For more recent Facebook tips for writers, see:
- Easy, Sleazy Book Marketing Tips 
- My Easy, Sleazy Book Marketing Results 

Do You Rate? Measure Book Promotion Success

How's your book promotion going? Here are four free, but not painless, tools that claim to help you quantify your results:

1)  Klout
A Web site that clams to measure your influence across social media. Ha!

2) Alexa
A Web site that tells you how your site traffic compares to other sites, including Google, Amazon, and Facebook.Very depressing.

3) Web Analytics
Web sites that measure traffic to your Web site or blog. Worthwhile if you pick the right tool. (Note: your Web site may already include a tool for this. I am mentioning two widely-recognized tools that have been around for a while: Google Analytics and Statcounter.)

Getting Started

Installing these tools can get geeky and test your reserves of patience and persistence. With that in mind, you need the right mindset, which means the right outfit.

 Previously, writers dressed like this:

 Now, we're supposed to dress like this:

The Tools
Full Disclosure: I was an executive editor at PC World magazine and PCWorld.com for seven years. So, I know a little about computers, already own a propeller hat -- and still had problems I wouldn't wish on anyone. 

So, if you're in a hurry and don't want to deal with a lot of nonsense or a new wardrobe, skip down the #3 below, install Statcounter, and be done with it. Otherwise, if you have time to waste, want to familiarize yourself with other popular tools, or you just feel like hating yourself, continue at your own risk.

1) Klout

A literary agent once mentioned something about Klout scores, so I signed up for an account. This multi-step process is supposed to be straight forward: you fill out a profile, click options to connect your accounts on Twitter, Facebook, Linked In, Youtube, Blogger and other social media. Then Klout calculates your online influence.

This all worked as advertised except for one little problem: When I tried to add my Facebook Author fan page, Klout refused and generated an inscrutable error message. Not being a patient person, I opened a second Klout account and tried again. Klout appeared to accept my fan page, but claimed Twitter, Linked in, Google etc. were connected to another account, so Kout wouldn't add them to the new account. I went into each of my social media sites and disconnected it from Klout. (Not as hard as it sounds.)

But this didn't appease Klout and the site generated an error that suggested I contact tech support. So, I did. The next day I got a message that made no sense. Basically, it was the equivalent of me telling my car mechanic that my brakes weren't working, him working on the car, and saying, "All set: we installed new windshield wipers."

This back and forth with Klout continued for several days: I said the equivalent of: "My car won't start." And received messages: "Yes, we understand, we installed a new floor mat."

Each note from Klout tech support included emoticons for "how was our answer" followed by a smile, a frown, or a grimace. I decided to wait a few more days before clicking the grimace.

Another day passed with no response from Klout tech support. And another. And another. I Tweeted about the problem and listed the number of days without a response from tech support. I figured maybe Klout, the experts on online influence, would notice. They didn't. I posted a note every day for four days. Apparently, my Klout score of 25 was too low to warrant a response.

I went back to all the emails from tech-support asking "how are we doing" and I clicked the grimaces. Still no response. After a week of no responses, I canceled my Klout accounts.

Then one night I got a note from the same tech support guy: "Please clear your cache. And by the way, we're not compatible with Facebook Fan pages."

In other words: He'd repaired the lock on my glove compartment. Klout still wasn't working.

Mysteriously, two weeks later, my account was working.

Then the problem came back. I contacted tech support again. (I kept my old e-mails, so I was able to contact the same person who fixed it the first time.) This time, he fixed it after a couple of days.

Verdict: Was this worth all the aggravation? For most people probably not.

For more dissenting opinions on Klout, including how it can ruin your life, see my piece on Online Book Marketing: Klout

2) Alexa
This site is for the big boys. If your site receives less than 1,000 visitors a month, it's probably not worth the aggravation. The site claims to show all the sites that are linking your site. When I checked it, it appeared to have omitted several sites I knew linked to me.

Also, set up involves adding code to the bowels of your Web site or blog. After several attempts, I got it to work.

Verdict: Is this worth the aggravation? For most smaller author sites or blogs, probably not.

For more details on Alexa, see my piece on Online Book Marketing: Alexa

2) Web Analytics: Google Analytics and Statcounter
For my money, these tools are the most useful for writers. The tools tell you:
- how much traffic you're getting. (you can track your progress and determine which types of content are best for your audience.)
- which pages are generating the most traffic. (For these pages, you may want to add links to other pages on your site to increase traffic.)
- where traffic is coming from/what links or keywords visitors are using to find your site.

 For best results, these tools want you to add a piece of code to each page on your site. For blogs, this is easy -- you add the code to the layout, footer, or some other component that appears on every page. For a regular Web site, you have to go in and manually add the code to each page -- or just the most important pages.

Statcounter:
I've been using this tool for years. It is has a clean simple interface and excellent tech support. I'd highly recommend it.

Google Analytics:
This was a tech-support horror show. I installed the code as instructed in my Blogger blog, which is owned by Google, so it was a breeze

Later I compared my Google Analytics traffic to Statcounter. I had similar numbers of visitors, but twice the number of page views. Wow! No wonder, Google Analytics is so popular!

But I knew something was wrong and after a week of double scores, I couldn't look myself in the mirror in the morning. I searched all over Google Analytics to find tech support. This was a long and convoluted process and eventually I found an email address for tech support*

Then then the back and forth began. The tech support people sent me messages suggesting I go into the bowels of Blogger and make code changes. Unfortunately, Blogger wouldn't allow me to make those kinds of changes. More unfortunate still, the Google Adwords tech support folks were not familiar with Blogger, which is owned by Google. Over the course of another week, I received unhelpful messages like this instructing me to make code changes that Blogger wouldn't allow me to make.

After several weeks of this, I finally gave up. If I ever need to show Google Analytics numbers -- because this is considered the standard by some experts -- I'll use the visitor stats, but not page views.

*Tip: If you can't find a tech support email address, sign up for a Google Adwords account, then you should have access to a tech support email address.

For more online book marketing tips, see Bad Advice for Writers

Versions of Query Letters

<Note: these query letter versions are background for a post called "Query LetterConfusion.">


1) Query Letter Circa 2008: Travel Memoir

Dear Agent A:

I think your author J. Maarten Troost is the funniest non-travel writer/travel writer. In Lost on Planet China, I really liked the addition of the chain-smoking sidekick, Jack.

My non-travel/travel book, Rats in the Lobby, Snakes in the Wine, chronicles how a never-married hypochondriac takes the trip of a lifetime and spends most of it alone reflecting on why he's still single at age 48. This 65,000-word memoir combines the personal journey of Eat, Pray, Love with the sexual frustration of Portnoy's Complaint.

2) Query Letter Circa 2012: Novel 

(Note new the new title. When I read this at a class run by two agents in New York in 2010, it drew laughs. Both agents requested to see the finished manuscript. An agent at a conference in 2012, didn't think it was funny and suggested I put back the line about "personal journey of Eat, Pray, Love with the sexual frustration of Portnoy's Complaint.")

Dear Agent D,

The Loneliest Planet features Randall Burns, a never-married hypochondriac who takes a trip around the world looking to change his luck with love. Planet is a novel about relationships as seen by a man, a difficult man.

An old Life cereal commercial starred a fussy boy named Mikey who hated everything. Imagine Mikey at 48, recently laid off, and spending his days pounding away on Match.com as if it were a game of Whac-A-Mole. That's Randall Burns.

One day, Burns reads a chirpy travel book promising love and romance abroad. Soon after, he blows his severance on a $20,000 solo trip overseas. During the journey, he strikes out with women on three continents, experiences loneliness that would have broken Papillon, and ruminates about old girlfriends. Jay with the cute shiksa nose dumped him because of a pair of socks. Ricki? A pair of shoes. Why hadn't he married Jackie with the nice trust fund? Why did all his exes have masculine names?

On continent four, he meets a Western sex tourist and his girlfriend du jour who offer a tour of Phnom Penh brothels. Burns is lonely and desperate. But he is also a germaphobe, and the one thing he fears more than dengue fever and squat toilets is V.D. In the end, he learns to enjoy undercooked beef, to embrace solitude, and to accept himself the way he is -- single.

Unlike Burns, I have kicked the Match.com habit and now focus my online energies building a platform by blogging, publishing a travel site, and using social media. I have taught travel seminars and read excerpts of Planet more than forty times at venues in New York and Boston. In 2011, an excerpt was a finalist in the Drum/Side B Dual Publication Award and was the winner in a Boston story slam. Previously, I was an executive editor at PC World magazine for seven years.

The Loneliest Planet is about 75,000 words long and ready for review.

 

<Back to main story on agent contradictions.>

Book Marketing for Nitwits: More Twitter

Last week's encounter with Twitter left me feeling a little raw.

But Internet book marketing experts say Twitter is the way to go. So, I'm back at it. (My Twitter page)

Quick review of last week's Book Marketing for Nitwits article about Twitter:

Step 1:  Determine how much time to spend on Twitter.
I set a goal of 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening. Ha! Spent twice that the first day, but my goal is to whittle it down with tool suggested in Step 2.

Step 2: Downloaded a bunch of tools.
Only one I'm using is Hootsuite, which makes tweeting, responding to other people's tweets, and scheduling tweets for the week relatively painless. It also let's me follow certain discussion groups, such as #pubtips and #amwriting.

Now, on to this week

Step 3: Find Good People to Follow

When considering who to follow on Twitter I had two goals:
- Stalk agents and publishers in hopes of getting them to notice me and buy my book manuscript, if I ever finish it.
- Attract followers who might visit my blog or one day buy my book.

a) Stalking
First, I searched Twitter for "literary agents" and got a bunch tweets from desperate people like me asking where they could find a literary agent. Then I looked up an agent I had met at a conference and looked at who she was following and who they were following. I followed and followed. I lost track of where I began or why I was doing this. After two hours, I stopped and asked myself: Why am I bothering with all these agents who will probably never follow or notice me? And does it matter? We'll all be packing boxes for Amazon in six months. 

Can't give up. 
Experts say Twitter is the answer.

The next day, I returned to following and stalking with a better attitude. I checked out more agents profiles and looked to see what hashtags they used to post their tweets. (That's how I found #pubtips. Here's a good list of existing hashtags and info about how they work.)

I also used Twitter's List feature to create my own private list of agents who were active tweeters. It turns out some of these agents mainly tweeted about their love of artichokes or their clients' books. I will soon dump them.

Two agents that seemed worth following:
@StrachanLit
@jasonashlock

Then I created a separate list of publishing experts and added an industry pundit that many agents followed:
@Porter_Anderson.

I also added a few book editors who were cited in agent tweets.

Finally, I tried to track down authors in my genre (comic novels about whiny white guys) and their agents. One author, Sam Lipsyte, didn't have a profile (at least not one I could find.). Another author, Jonathan Tropper, had a profile. I followed him, but couldn't find his agent.

The nice thing about the List Feature: When I'm in a rush, I can check only tweets from people on my lists instead of scrolling through tweets by everyone I'm folllowing.

b) Attracting Followers

- The more I've been tweeting, the more followers I've gotten. (No surprise.) Some have even read my Twitter profile and clicked over to read my blog. (Nice surprise.)

- Would they ever buy anything from me or click my "donate" button on the right side of this page? Unclear.
(You did notice my new "donate" button, didn't you?)

- I've stopped automatically following anyone who follows me and I've abandoned some of the sleazy book marketing tactics I adopted earlier.
  

<Next page of Book Marketing for Nitwits: More Twitter>

Book Marketing for Nitwits: More Twitter-2

Step 4:  Start Tweeting

I'd always been a plain vanilla tweeter. I sent messages with links to my blog posts. I occasionally commented on other people's posts. I'd even added a few hashtags, which I hoped would make my tweets easy to search, kind of like keywords. But an online marketing book I've been reading listed more advanced tweeting advice and acronyms, including: "MT," "via," and "h/t" for letting followers know that you're cribbing someone else's tweet.

While I was contemplating these new acronyms and advanced tweeting techniques, I received a Twitter alert that a published novelist whom I'd never heard of wanted to follow me.

Twitter pay dirt!

The novelist had over 100,000 followers. I sent him a note asking how he got so many followers and did they buy any books. "Don't know, don't know," he said. Obviously, he was holding out on me.

The secret must be in his tweets, after all, he was a published novelist and I was an unemployed writer. But his tweets looked like those of everyone else, like the lyrics from a tired Beatles's song:

8:00 a.m. "got up, crawled out of bed"
8:12 a.m. "ran a comb across the two hairs on my head."
8:31 a.m. "and looking up, I recalled I had no job.
8:47 a.m. "stumbled downstairs and had a beer."
9:30 a.m. "back in bed in seconds flat."
10:00 a.m. "mother knocked on my door, and I went into a dream."

After reading the published author's recent tweets, I returned to a contemplative state:

Do people really read this crap?

Do I really want to write this crap?

But at a recent writing conference, the experts insisted that Twitter was the best tool for finding new readers, so I'm going to give it another week. (I'll do anything to avoid working on my novel.)

<more book marketing tips and tribulations>

Update on Easy, Sleazy Book Marketing

It's now been about a month since I joined groups on various Web and social media sites that promised to boost my online audience. My numbers have jumped as noted previously.

But since installing a tool called Hootsuite, which allows me to easily monitor my followers' tweets, I'm noticing a disturbing trend: A lot of my new followers are spammers, perverts, and other types of online cretins. I'm now going back and unfollowing many of them.

My strategy now is to follow only people who:
- offer useful tweets: interesting links and interesting short messages that don't require clicking.

- are agents, publishers, or writers that I'm interested in.
- are experts in fields related to my book: travel and humor. (I have yet to find a dating/relationship expert I want to follow.)
- are not promoting something, such as their book or latest scam in every tweet.

Yeah, I'm a knucklehead for trying to cut corners to build an audience.

Book Marketing for Nitwits: Twitter

Diary of a Book Marketing Novice: Twitter

I've had a Twitter account for two years and it's generally been a waste of time. Realizing that problem had to be me and not Twitter, I borrowed not one, but three, social media marketing books from the library.

The bad news: SEO and keywords were a blast compared to Twitter.

The good news: Anything is better than working on my novel.

The better news: There are still other lucrative careers that don't require book marketing skills or finished novels. For example, this company now has an opening for a field biologist.

According to the three social media marketing books, I needed to think about my online marketing as a hub with spokes. The spokes are Twitter, Facebook, SEO and other tools that drive traffic to my hub, which is this blog. Unfortunately, the 12,000 page views I drove to this blog last year generated $8 in revenue. But that's all going to change. So, I opened the books and began.

Step 1: How Much Time Should I Waste on Twitter?

The books recommend tweeting two to five times a day. That seemed do-able if you don't have a job, which I don't. For a reality check, I looked at how often some people with jobs tweet.

- Chelsea Handler has 4 million followers and tweets about two to four times most days.

- Steve Martin has 2.6 million followers and tweets about the same.

In the end I decided my role model should be Zach Galifianakis who has 1.8 million followers and tweets two to three times some months and other months not at all.


Step 2: Install Requisite Tools

The books recommended dozens of tools to make up for shortcomings in Twitter. I started with tools that make it easier to track of followers and their conversations. These included Tweetdeck and Hootsuite. Tweetdeck needed to be downloaded onto my computer. Hootsuite runs off a Web site. I hate installing programs on my computer, so I went with Hootsuite, which then required me to install a bunch of its own tools.

Next, I installed other tools that were supposed to automatically send a thank-you message to anyone who followed me. One product called Autoresponder claimed to be free and then tried to charge me $2.50. (Image 1) I cancelled it, but not before it got into my Twitter account and sent a message from me to my followers that said how much I loved the product. (Image 2)

Image 1: Free product with fee I overlooked. Click to enlarge.

I used Twitbacks.com to create a new background for my Twitter page that listed my Web sites and a more extensive bio. It looked like crap. I removed it, but not before it sent a message to all my followers saying how much I loved the product.

Image 2: Two add-ins that inserted messages from me raving about their products.

I installed more and more of the recommended Twitter tools. I couldn't stop, didn't stop, until my virus checker flashed a message that it my computer was being assaulted. Minutes later a tool for tracking my Web traffic mysteriously stopped working.

Six hours had passed and I hadn't added a single follower or generated a single tweet. I stand corrected: Twitter is not better than working on my novel.

(more)

How Writers Can Earn a Living

This group of previously unemployed writers found work!

The key is being flexible and adapting to the new publishing environment: remember we are not writers, we are entertainers.

Best of all, their new careers did not require book marketing, platform building, social media, or groveling before publishers.

(Content warning: men eating lightbulbs, being run over by cars, hit with sledge hammers.)


Here's the link

Book Marketing for Nitwits: SEO

Diary of a Book Marketing Novice: Search Engine Optimization (SEO)


Last week, I came up with a bunch of keyword phrases that will surely lure Google users to my site, boost my Web traffic enough to impress agents and publishers, and land me a six-figure book deal that will lead to groupies, People magazine cover stories, and stints in rehab.

But identifying the right keyword phrases is only step one in the SEO process. The words don't do any good if they just sit in your spreadsheet. You have to add them to your Web site so Google can find them.

Here is my step-by-step process for adding keywords to this blog.

1) Open yet another book on Internet book marketing, read section on SEO that discusses Meta tags and includes lengthy discourse on HTML. Close book and go outside to look for a cigarette butt that isn't smoked too far down. Smoke it. Little kids across the street watch with great interest.

2) Back at desk, search blog's Help section for info on Meta Tags. Find an article from 2009 that claims Google doesn't care about Meta tags stuffed with keywords. That makes two of us.

I abandon Meta tag exercise and move on to section on "Title tags."  Another discussion of HTML. Close book and search fridge for beer. Find a half bottle of wine that smells like old gym socks. Drink it.

Note: Title tags are the words that appear at very tippy-top of browser window and identify the Web page you're viewing.

3) Back at desk, search Google for: "How do I edit title tags in Blogger." Find an article on how to alter your title tag so Google will like you better. The article recommends copying some code into the bowels of Blogger. The instructions make no sense. I follow them.

Now the titles of my Blogger articles appear before the blog name. For example, the title text for this article now reads:

"Book Marketing for Nitwits: SEO | The Loneliest Planet by Randy Ross"

instead of

"The Loneliest Planet by Randy Ross | Book Marketing for Nitwits: SEO."

Is this idiotic? Yes. Do you want to risk making Google unhappy? Didn't think so.

Note: Though all the cool kids use WordPress for their blogs and Web sites, I use Blogger because it is supposed to be easier. I'm pretty happy with it. Also, Google owns Blogger -- you must get some SEO bonus points for being a good customer. (Too see this in action, click the title at the top of this page "Book Marketing for Nitwits: SEO")

4)  Wine kicks in, Title tags section of book now makes sense. These tags are derived from the actual title of my blog posts. I go into most popular posts in my blog and stuff article titles with keywords. Now, have a writer's blog that reads like it was written by non-native English speaker. Change titles back to originals.

<page 2>

<Link to story on Twitter>

Book Marketing for Nitwits: SEO - P2

Diary of a Book Marketing Novice: Search Engine Optimization (SEO) Page-2
 
<continued from page 1 of article>


5) Book Marketing book recommends creating article descriptions packed with keywords for most popular articles. Blogger has a field for each article that allows this. Easy.

6) I notice that Blogger also lets you create Labels for articles. No such thing as too many keywords: I create Labels with words that will no doubt attract my readers. Labels include: "happy ending," "sexy massage," and "mile high club."

7)  Other sections of Book Marketing book discuss embedding keywords in articles, graphics, text links, plus the use of keyword density analyzing tools.

Look down at computer keyboard: It is covered with sweat. Check Facebook page and find strange posts from someone who sounds a lot like me. Enough online book marketing for one day.

8) Smoke another cigarette butt on front stoop; kids and parents watch. Remember more ideas for a keyword-packed Labels.  

9) Back at computer, add Labels for "erotic humor" and "how not to find love." Recall that I paid $500 to meet agents at an upcoming writers conference. Agents may ask for my Klout score, a measure of success at Social Networking. I sign up for Klout. It doesn't work. Done with book marketing for the day.

10) Pack bag for gym. Remember that I might be able to boost Klout score -- if tool ever works -- with something called Twitterfeed, which automatically takes new blog articles and posts them to Twitter, Facebook, and Linked In. This tool works as advertised. But will it mangle posts and make me look like an idiot? Doesn't matter, I'm done with online book marketing for today.

11) Repack bag for gym. Recall that a tool called Friend or Follow will make it easy for me to identify people I'm following who aren't following me. Following more people than you have following you is a sign of desperation and low Social Media status. I sign up and start dumping people. Within an hour, I am following 447 people and have 458 followers.

12) Halfway out the door. But have to check Web analytics to see if 10 yours I've spent today on SEO has started to boost traffic.

Traffic has spiked: I'm a genius!

Then check to see source of new traffic: All changes I made to my site were counted as new traffic. But no one needs to know that. (You won't tell anyone, will you?)
___________

More Book Marketing for Nitwits

1) Easy, Sleazy Book Marketing Tips
Change you traffic measuring tool, join a Facebook Like-fest, and if anyone asks: "But officer, everyone else is doing it."

2) Book Marketing for Nitwits: Keyword Phrases

My Easy, Sleazy Book Marketing Results

Results from using "Easy, Sleazy Book Marketing Tips" for a month or so.

1) Facebook Fans: added 75 fans (Now 1961 up from 1886)

2) Twitter Followers: added 270 followers (Now 444 up from 170 from 270)

Still not sure if I get Twitter or it's useful for fiction writers in my situation, but plowing ahead anyway.
Also, used an online tool called friend or follow to dump people I was following who didn't follow me back. My opinion: It looks better to have even number of following and followers.

3) Linked In: added 90 connections (now 890 up from 800)

4) Goodreads, I've just been clicking away and added 92 friends (142 friends up from 50)

What does this all mean? Not sure -- my numbers still aren't big enough to impress a publisher or agent. If I keep at it for a year. Maybe. How much time am I wasting? A lot. Probably an hour or two a day.

Has all this boosted my all-important traffic to my blog? No. Seems only sure way to increase traffic is to write more good blogs. Which also takes time. Time that should be spent FINISHING MY DAMN BOOK.

Has it increased sales of my little ebook? No.

Can I offer any useful advice?

What are you kidding?

Book Marketing for Nitwits: Keywords

For months, agent blogs have been exhorting writers -- even fiction writers -- to build a massive online platform of potential readers. So, last week I took the plunge and borrowed "Online Book Marketing" by Lorraine Phillips from the library. (If I had the dough and could be guaranteed this would get me an agent, I surely would have paid for it.)

Note: The book is geared toward non-fiction writers, but it was one of simplest, most clearly written books on online book marketing that I'd seen. I decided to see if it would work for fiction writers.

One the first steps: Figure out my brand, my audience, and find keyword phrases that will entice readers to my site when they perform online searches. (Key part of successful platform is a Web site that gets lots of traffic.)

My brand is supposed to be me. But that made no sense and I had to get to the gym in six hours, so I decided that my brand would be my novel in progress, "The Loneliest Planet: A Handbook for the Chronically single." The book is about a never married hypochondriac who takes a trip around the world looking for love.

In describing my book, a few keywords came to mind:
- weird travel
- lonely single guys
- failed relationships
- personal growth through suffering
- puerile humor

And a few possible audiences
- men seeking naughty massages.
- women who think all men are pigs.
- politically-correct men who think all men are pigs.
- people who like the Three Stooges
- other writers who might take pity on me and buy my book.

(I'm not saying these are great search terms, but I had to start somewhere. Plus, I still had book to write, I couldn't spend a week on this, and the gym closes early on Sundays.)

Then I read the first couple of chapters and decided to take the following steps:

1) I went to Amazon and looked at comparable books' pages for keyword phrase ideas.

Comparable book: "About a Boy," by Nick Hornby:
A section called "Inside this Book" listed "Key Phrases" that included:
"Kurt Cobain," "Dead Duck Day," "Macaulay Culkin," "Planet," and  "Upper Street."
At the bottom of the Amazon page, under a section called "Tags Customers Associate with This Product," I found "too expensive for kindle," and "contemporary fiction."
Not so useful.

Comparable book: "Portnoy's Complaint," by Phillip Roth:
In a section called "Inside This Book," "Key Phrases" included: "The Monkey," "Uncle Hymie," "Puerto Rican," and "Bubbles Girardi."
Worthless.
The customer tags for this book were equally worthless.

Comparable book: "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell."
"Key Phrases" included: "Baby Dolls," Silicon Valley," "Red Bull," and "The Skank."
"Tags" included" "drinking," "stupid," and "swamp donkey."
Beyond worthless.

I gave up on the Amazon idea.

2) Then I looked at comparable authors' Web sites and Web sites on similar topics, and then ran those URLs through a slick Internet marketing tool called Abakus recommended by the book. (The tool tells you what keywords those sites use.)

3) Finally, I took this whole mess of keywords and ran them through Google Adwords keyword research tool to find related terms and to pick the terms that Google claims get the most hits.

Elapsed time: about eight hours. I'm not sure why it took so long, but it did. And I never made it to they gym.

Results: a spreadsheet filled with terms ranked by how popular they are. See my keyword spreadsheet

More on SEO/Keywords for Writers:

- Part II: Search Engine Optimization in Plain English

- Part III:  Search Engine Optimization in Plain English


*Art attribution for nerdy green alien: By LadyofHats (did it myself.) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

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