Self-promotion and publishing tips for writers, international travel stories for those who hate travel, NC-17 erotica and erotic humor, and lots of useless relationship advice.
1) Martyrs
- Feel everything intensely, especially love, rejection, and Red Sox playoff losses.
- Claim to know what they want in a mate; say smug things like "I won't settle."
- Spend most Saturday nights alone.
- Cry at crapola love stories like The Bridges of Madison County.
- Capable of great happiness when involved and great bitterness when single.
- Examples: Jackson Browne, Vincent Van Gogh, Billie Joe McAllister.
- Favorite quote: "My heart is your piñata."
2) Settlers
- Martyrs who marry suddenly because of an external event like a scary health problem, a milestone birthday, or an aging parent who wants to see them hooked up.
- Husbands are often happy with this arrangement. -Wives often seek divorce after children leave for college. - Examples: Too many to list.
- Favorite quote: "I'll have the baked chicken, no skin, butter, salt, oil, or bread crumbs. And a glass of water with no ice."
3) Mercenaries
- Approach love as if it were just another transaction, to-do item, or mission.
- Emotionally detached with flat, even moods.
- Tend to be content instead of happy.
- Examples: Ted Bundy, Dirty Harry, Angelina Jolie.
- Favorite quote: "Kill them all and let God sort them out."
4) Bonders
- Born with good brain chemistry.
- Can connect with most anyone and be happy in most situations.
- Are good as friends, but boring as lovers.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
- Examples: Anyone married for more than three years.
- Favorite quote: "Let a smile be your umbrella on a rainy day."
5) Barnacles
- Don’t have the stomach for dating.
- Always in a relationship.
- A bad choice for spouseless vacations because without a partner they glom on to you.
- Examples: Zsa Zsa Gabor, Elizabeth Taylor, Mickey Rooney, and other people married at least eight times.
- Favorite quote: "People who need people are the luckiest people in the world."
I) Give yourself one point for each item that applies.
1) You can tolerate boredom:
- After sex
- After lithium
- Fuck you.
2) Nesting instincts:
- I have no furniture.
- I have college furniture.
- I once went to Crate and Barrel for a free wine and cheese reception.
3) Your girflfriend asks you to get a video for her preschool daughter's birthday party. You choose:
- Borat
- Death Wish
- Last Tango in Paris
4) You miss your ex most when:
- Eating alone
- Watching a movie alone
- Paying the mortgage alone
5) If a significant other says "no" to sex, you:
- Take her to her favorite restaurant because she's probably having a difficult week.
- Take her college-aged daughter to her favorite restaurant because she's probably having a difficult week.
- Visit Yvonne, the double-jointed masseuse.
6) Last relationship failed because:
- You forgot her birthday.
- You forgot her phone number.
- You forgot her name.
7) It's your anniversary and she is expecting something special, so you:
- Go drinking with the boys
- Go skiing with the boys
- Visit Yvonne, the double-jointed masseuse.
8) How well do you understand women?
- When a woman says "no," she means "feel my breasts."
- When a woman says "let go of my throat, you're hurting me," she means "feel my breasts."
- When a woman says "get out now or I'm calling the police," she
means "feel my breasts."
II) Scoring
- One to three: Clueless
- Three to six: Hopeless
- Six or more: Dangerous
Enjoy this quiz? Consider"The Loneliest Planet: The Handbook for the Chronically Single" ($8 print, $1.00 PDF)
The fish theory, the valency theory, one day at the shrink's office.
Latest video excerpt from novel in progreshttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifs.
For more humorous articles on being over 40 and single, see:
- Quiz: Are you marriage material?
- Quiz: What's your love style: Martyr, Missionary, Bonder or Barnacle?
- Erotic humor: The online date that went a little too right.
