The Bitter Single's Guide to Valentine's Day (aka Single's Humiliation Day.)

The medical staff at The Loneliest Planet has assembled the following guide to get you through the night.

1) Nourishment: Pint of Ben and Jerry's or a pint of Jack Daniels.

2) Fiscal Aversion Therapy:

- Cost of an engagement ring: $4,600
- Cost of a wedding: $27,000
- Cost of raising a child to 18 (not including college) $227,000
- Cost of a divorce: $8,000 to $133,000 (fees for lawyers and accountants for a contested divorce that goes to trial.)
- Intangibles costs: Average weight gain for men and women after five years of marriage: 6 to 9 pounds.
*Note on Sources: Sketchy at best; I grabbed first semi-reasonable results from Google.

3) Cognitive Therapy:

a) Light Reading: "The John and Lorena Bobbit Story"
Heart-warming tale of boy meets girl, boy abuses girl, girl cuts of boy's penis and throws it out the window of a speeding car, boy becomes a porn star.
b) Movies:
- War of the Roses: Still want to get married?
- Fatal Attraction: Think your last girlfriend was a drama queen?
- Caligula: Think your last boyfriend was a jerk?

4) Self-Improvement

a) Personality Test: Are you marriage material?
b) One man's pathetic story that will no doubt make you feel better about your situation: "Why I'm Over Forty and Still Single"

tags: Valentine's day singles, valentines day singles, singles humiliation day, singles awareness day, single's awareness day.

The Online Date that Went a Little too Well

A little erotic humor, humorous erotica.


(Recorded live at the Somerville Library in Massachusetts
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For more live performances:
- The Day I Almost Became Gay
- Why I’m Over 40 and Still Single



Similar stories can be found under labels for funny sex, vibrator, what men want in women, online dating.

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BDSM for Dummies

Content warnings: faux Quaaludes, flying panties, misplaced rug lint.

More stories:
- The Day I Almost Became Gay

- The Online Date that Went a Little too Well 

- Quiz: Are you marriage material?

For similar stories see tags for erotic humor, humorous erotica

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Domination for Dummies (erotic humor, humorous erotica)

For more humorous erotica or erotic humor, see:
"The Online Date That Went a Little Too Right"

"The Day I Was Almost Gay"

"The Girlfriend Experience"

Close Encounter on a 747

or How Not to Join the Mile-High Club




For more travel stories, see:
- Unemployed writer vs. most annoying hotel clerk in Greece
- How to Lose it in Bangkok
- Rats, Plague, and Burritos: Another Day in Nha Trang, Vietnam

Clitter-Clatter (Erotic Humor, Humorous Erotica)

For audio version click play button below. To view a video version, click here.



For more erotic humor or humorous erotica, see:
"The Nurse"
"The Day I Almost Became Gay"

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Self Test #1: Are You Marriage Material?

Will you spend your life alone? 

I) Give yourself one point for each item that applies.

1) You can tolerate boredom:

- After sex
- After lithium
- Fuck you.

2) Nesting instincts:

- I have no furniture.
- I have college furniture.
- I once went to Crate and Barrel for a free wine and cheese reception.

3) Your girflfriend asks you to get a video for her preschool daughter's birthday party. You choose:

- Borat
- Death Wish
- Last Tango in Paris

4) You miss your ex most when:

- Eating alone
- Watching a movie alone
- Paying the mortgage alone

5) If a significant other says "no" to sex, you:

- Take her to her favorite restaurant because she's probably having a difficult week.
- Take her college-aged daughter to her favorite restaurant because she's probably having a difficult week.
- Visit Yvonne, the double-jointed masseuse.

6) Last relationship failed because:

- You forgot her birthday.
- You forgot her phone number.
- You forgot her name.

7) It's your anniversary and she is expecting something special, so you:

- Go drinking with the boys
- Go skiing with the boys
- Visit Yvonne, the double-jointed masseuse.

8) How well do you understand women?

- When a woman says "no," she means "feel my breasts."
- When a woman says "let go of my throat, you're hurting me," she means "feel my breasts."
- When a woman says "get out now or I'm calling the police," she
means "feel my breasts."

II) Scoring

- One to three: Clueless
- Three to six: Hopeless
- Six or more: Dangerous

Enjoy this quiz? Consider "The Loneliest Planet: The Handbook for the Chronically Single" ($8 print, $1.00 PDF)

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Dream woman on a Greek Ferry Part II

To view Part I (video)

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Why I'm over 40 and still single: New Video

The fish theory, the valency theory, one day at the shrink's office.

Latest video excerpt from novel in progreshttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifs.




For more humorous articles on being over 40 and single, see:
- Quiz: Are you marriage material?
- Quiz: What's your love style: Martyr, Missionary, Bonder or Barnacle?
- Erotic humor: The online date that went a little too right.

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