Thursday, July 14, 2011

What to Expect from Friends in Middle Age

(Excerpt from The Handbook for the Chronically Single)


Under Forty-Five Years Old:

- Purpose of friends: Wingmen, counsel, placeholders for a girlfriend.

- Contact frequency: Daily.

- Mode of contact: Face-to-face or phone.

- Amount of time you can tolerate them: Unlimited.

- Would you loan them money? "If I had any."

- Would you help them move? "No brainer."

- Shared interests: pussy, bench presses, tits, squats, chicken wings, funny beer commercials, getting hard at the wrong time, midgets, PMS, Rogaine, Chuck Palahniuk, sleeping late.

Over Forty-Five Years Old:

- Purpose of friends: Counsel, wingmen, business connections.

- Contact frequency: Monthly.

- Mode of contact: Texting, E-mail, voice-mail, occasional face-to-face.

- Amount of time you can tolerate them: Three hours.

- Would you loan them money? "Depends on their credit score."

- Would you help this person move? "With my back, are you kidding me?"

- Shared interests: Menopause, rotator cuffs, kvetching, Achilles tendons, low-carb diets, whining, interest rates, getting soft at the wrong time, reading glasses, griping, ponderous biographies, sleeping pills.

For more "Bitter Singles,"articles see

- Self Test #1: Are You Marriage Material?

- Find Your Match: The 5 Romantic Personalities



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